Dementia at Fifty!

April 18, 2025, my heart woke me up this morning aching for you. Today marks three months since the last time I kissed your face, looked into your beautiful hazel green eyes or held your hand.

Everyone tells me grief does its own thing, there is not a timetable on how long the “freshness” of how new this feeling is will last. Truly, I’ve been keeping myself busy; the gym, work, friends, family, trips, and it’s all been a new and refreshing time, until it’s not. You know?

I can’t go back and put my experience with death in black and white, but I can say the support and love I have received since then has been a life saver. From the calls, texts, flowers, food, dinners out, slumber parties in and trips. . . all of it has helped me get through these last 90+ days.

My parents gifted me a trip to Aruba with them a couple of weeks ago. It was such a laid-back time sunning, eating, site seeing and eating some more and I enjoyed the time spent with them so much!

While there we were sitting in the lounge at a hotel enjoying a one-man band and all the people dancing, when I noticed a man come in pushing the wheelchair his wife was in. I could tell she had some type of brain injury, whether it was a stroke, accident, dementia, etc. I watched her husband trying to figure out the best place to wheel her to, almost looking defeated, as if “why did I think this was a good idea”, he truly looked exhausted and broken at best. I watched on for a few more minutes and finally had to walk away. My heart ached for that couple, I knew what they were going through and I grieved for them. The loneliness in a room full of laughter and dancing was written all over his face and it took me back to our lives the last few years, but. . .  

I’m figuring out how to be me without you. I’ve joined the gym, and I enjoy going. I go to dinner when I want, whether it’s alone or with others and I like doing both. I can be alone and enjoy it; I’m sleeping through the night and eating normal again. I’m able to take a shower when I want and jump in the car and take off when I feel like it. I’ve never been on my own, I moved out of my parents’ house and into Larry’s when I was 18 years old, a child! I’m looking forward to what the future has in store for me, and I miss you like crazy and would do it all over again if God would allow. You were my everything from the very beginning, almost from the first time I saw you I was in love, I found my soul mate at a very young age and I’m thankful we had 35 years together, the good and the bad made me who I am now, and I am strong most days, but not today. Today the tears came as soon as my eyes opened, it’s hard to breath and I just want to look into your eyes for all those memories, one more time, hear you call me “baba” and feel your touch on my skin.

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm

Well, I’ve been ‘fraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m gettin’ older, too

Well, I’ve been ‘fraid of changin’
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m gettin’ older, too
I’m gettin’ older, too

Ah, take my love, take it down
Oh, climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
Oh, the landslide will bring it down

By Fleetwood Mac

This will probably be my last post; there’s no more Dementia at Fifty and it’s time to move on. Thank you all for taking the time to read, reach out and pray for me over this journey.

Love, Rebecca