Dementia at Fifty!

Where do these outbursts come from? It’s been smooth sailing for almost two weeks now and just when I began to feel “normal” the other shoe dropped. I’ve got to really focus on the new normal, but I hate it. I miss my husband so much, I miss us laughing, I miss his perverted sense of humor, which I never thought I would say! I miss me, I miss working in an office with coworkers, taking a lunch break, getting my car washed, shopping, I miss it all. Now, it’s all doctor appointments and keeping a log of his weight, BP, blood sugar levels, etc. It’s not fair damnit!

Thank God COVID taught me at least one thing, I can do my job from home and so far, my company and team have been so supportive of the need to work from home. How long will they continue to be ok with it? Will I need to find a work-from-home type of employment soon? Who knows, I’ll keep providing them updates and praying for God to open doors for help and see what happens. Family first, right?

I am so angry today, I can feel it in my heart and head, I try not to feel sorry for myself, but some days there is nothing I can do but hang on. This lump in my throat doesn’t go away and if I’m not careful the lump turns in to tears falling unstoppable. Then I have to explain to him why I am crying if he sees me. The shower is a good place to do it, as long as I don’t drop my razor or the shampoo bottle, because he’s at the door in an instant asking if I’m ok. He used to make fun of Trump, my cat, for waiting at the bathroom door, sticking his little paw under it to get my attention, now he’s just the same. He’s terrified something is going to happen to me, if I go for a bike ride or the grocery store, he’s in a panic until he sees my face again, I continuously try to reassure him that I will be ok, but those are just words that mean nothing to him. He’s afraid something is going to happen to me and then he will be alone, and he knows he is unable to live alone. This makes me so sad for both of us.

There have never been too many obstacles in our way because of our age difference, if something did arise it wasn’t anything we couldn’t overcome. He’s always been laid back. One of the most understanding things about Larry is he has always understood and accepted my need for companionship with my girls. Our happy hours, sleepovers, pool parties, concerts, mini-vacays, and all the other adventures have never been an issue. . . until now. Not because he doesn’t like it, he just doesn’t understand why I feel the need for anything but him. Six of us girls have a 3-night trip coming up for Mother’s Day and I am really looking forward to it. I am in desperate need for my face and belly to hurt from laughing too much or shooting wine out of my nose because somebody does something silly, or even peeing my pants because one of them tells a funny story most likely about a prior trip or some crazy thing we’ve done in the past. Just FYI. . . all have happened to one or more of us on more than one occasion, LOL! I’m feeling so guilty about the trip because I know it is going to hurt him when I leave. I want to be excited, but the planning and shopping is done quietly when he’s sleeping or watching TV. I haven’t told him yet, once I tell him he will start fretting over it, I just know it. Pray for both of us, I know he will be safe while I’m gone, but I also fear the welcoming I receive when I get back isn’t going to be very nice.